I Sharted In My Mother-In-Law's Bed

If you haven't seen the movie Along Came Polly or don't remember the scene so brilliantly acted out by Ben Stiller and Philip Seymour Hoffman then STOP – watch this short video clip.



If you still don't get it – click here.

I don't know what's more embarrassing; having my wife tell her mom that her 30 year old husband messed himself in her guest bed or blogging about this ordeal. Here's the deal, I've got nothing to hide. And although I doubt that this has happened to any of you who are reading this, (and I doubt you'd admit it even if it had), I'm going out on the edge so that maybe, just maybe if something like this happens to you in the future, you'll know you're not alone.

Continue reading at your own risk.

Here's the story. My family has been deathly sick for over a week now. It started with my 21 month old daughter puking her guts out on Christmas Eve. I'm telling you, this flu bug is one mean mother. It was 2 nights following that the bug took control of me. And by control, I mean TOTAL control.

12:30am – I glanced at the clock. Oh crap, I knew it would be a long night. I lay staring at the ceiling for a good 15 minutes before making my long walk to the throne room. I bowed in humility, took my position on all fours and proceeded to dry heave for several minutes. It wasn't long before my wife came rushing into assist her moaning husband. You see, I don't necessarily use my quiet voice when I'm hurling, it's more of a scream it out type of guy (I inherited it from my father – thanks Dad).

1:54am – this time there was nothing "dry" about those heaves. It was prime rib potpie but in liquid form. And it didn't stop. My stomach was returning every bit I'd given it over the past 24 hrs.

2:08am – exhausted and fearful of what was next, I carried a big plastic tub into my room…just in case. But the big plastic tub didn't help with what happened next.

3:23am – hey babe, help, oh man. Are you serious? Oh my gosh. I think I just…

Like the old saying goes, "$h!t Happens". And sometimes it happens in your mother-in-law's bed.