Of Bugs and Babies

Driving through North Carolina on I-40 last weekend I noticed a billboard that read “Why do bugs still fly at car level?” It’s a life or death question for bugs, but it may have some significance for us fathers too.

Unfortunately for most bugs, they really only get one shot at it. By the time they’ve realized it’s not a good idea to fly at car level they’ve become a splat on somebody’s windshield (probably mine – I tend to hit more bugs than most). I suspect the reason most bugs act this way has to do with both instinct and familiarity. It must be instinctual, on some level, for bugs to try and defy death by weaving through raging freeway traffic. It’s just what comes naturally. This tells me that following your instincts may not always be a good thing. It’s also familiar. It’s what all of the other bugs are doing, and this makes it feel safe, even though it’s actually wildly dangerous.

About the same time I developed this new concern for the wellbeing of freeway flying bugs, I met a guy named Ray. Ray’s a few shades older than I am and has three daughters. Ray told me something remarkable. “I try to spend 15 minutes with each daughter, in person, in their world, personally involved, every day” he said. “I make it a point for them to see me love their mother, with affection, by serving her, with words of love, and through meaningful conversation.” I’ve been thinking about my conversation with Ray, and it occurs to me that he is a guy, maybe one of the few, who is “flying above car level”.

I’ve been a father for only 10 months, but it’s already clear to me that the instinctual, familiar thing is to not live the way Ray talked about. You see, car level for us guys, I think, is busyness, work-aholism, and being generally disengaged with our wives and kids. In some ways, it’s just easier… even natural. Living like Ray takes a ton of work, and may even mean that we sacrifice promotions and status at work for the sake of our families.

Ray has been living out those statements for 15 years. Talking with him has given me confidence that the air is clearer and freer up above the traffic where he is, even though it takes a lot more work to get up there.

No, it probably won’t get us plastered to somebody’s windshield if we take the instinctual, familiar route and fly at car level, but there will be casualties. However in our case, we’re not the only ones in danger; it’s our wives and our kids we’re risking.